For years I was known locally as the sleep guru, I was the irratating fresh faced mother of twins who had them sleeping through at nine weeks. Whilst other first time parents looked like they had done a super shop at Tescos in order to fill the bags under their eyes I had a sleep regime in place at home that Gina Ford would envy.
Years passed and I became an ear for those with non sleeping babies. Friends would call me up with tales of their baby waking six, seven times in the night and being irratable all day and with my uber regime I would educate them in how to settle their little angel and welcome sleep back into their home. Gina Ford move over, for a few years there was a new nanny in town.
I tried not to be smug with my eight to ten hours of kip a night but I think somewhere along the line I must have become almost irratating in my approach and like Gina Ford I must have started to annoy people with my perfect sleeping children and their spot on routine.
So karma decieded to have its revenge, and Gina my lovely, let this be a warning to you should you ever decided to have a child of your own to practise your routines on…
Karma gave me BB.
Beautiful in name, beautiful in nature, bloody nightmare when it comes to sleep.
There is no routine, she took my routine and with her silent baby eyes told me to stick it up my arse. She refused to sleep in the morning preferring to catch a quick two minutes between the school run and The Zingzillas which would then see her through. This of course has turned my life upside down, that morning sleep was my time to get ready, to present my fresh face, and now BB helps with my make up.
Nightimes start with a shout and usually finish in a menage a trois. BB lies starfish in the centre of the bed and he who helped create them and I cling to each other trying to keep our backsides on the mattress.
I went back to my mentor, but Gina, she defies us. She doesn’t need sleep, she likes to be awake and most of all she likes to be awake with me.
So the sleeping guru of the town, Gina Ford’s self proclaimed number two has been defeated. I went to Tesco’s last week and refused their kind offer of bags prefer to use the economy sized ones under my eyes. I no longer offer advice (and to be honest people have stopped calling) instead I am thinking of starting a self help group for those who us who now live on less than six hours sleep a night.
Being smug was simply lovely, payback is a bitch!